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The SwanK
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
There's
battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind
I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
- Buffalo Springfield
so here's the deal: you only get one shot at life, don't f**k it up. some of us may seem like we get more then one shot on this sphere, but its not true. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! you may have many chances to prove yourself, this is true, but you only get ONE shot to exist. so far, i cannot say as i have had an uber good run on becoming a productive member of society, but i know i've fucking well tried and so far, thats all that counts.
so i sit here wearing a pair of Point Zero jeans, a plain white T, a pair of Sony headphones and, well its 3:08am on a tuesday morning. i may somewhat be wondering whats next. well...to be honest, i don't really know. so. i will figure it out.
see, now, i dunno. i have no reason to lie to anyone, i've been there, done that, not proud of it. yeah, i've cheated on girlfriends too...hell i've also stolen and done many other illegal things...but thats all in the past. i've now become a semi-productive member of society and well, i am honest and hard working. i have my own lifestyle, something, which, yes i am comfortable and accustomed to. and i like to trend hop more then most people change underwear. i like my exploration urban, and intellectual. i even used to like my women cheep and fast.
i've drank in bars that are past their prime, and yeah, i've sang kareoke. there have been times when it takes a 60oz bottle of Jack Daniels to get me slightly buzzed, and theres been times when i've been totally GONE after two sips of an A Marca Bavaria. i've done coke. i enjoyed it, so i did it again, and again, and well...again...to a certain extent that...well yeah...i woulda called myself addicted, but i had someone else do that for me. i've had anal sex with a girl...well okay, more then one girl...although somewhat disgusting and taboo, i actually enjoyed it.
i have, more then once, gotten a girl pregnant (most ending in miscarriages or abortions...or well in two cases, a false accusation), but, those who know me, know that. i have also lived with more then one female i was dating (even though the first one doesn't really count), and one of them had a child from a previous relationship. i've also taken a girl home from the bar, back to my apartment (or hers) with the sole intention of having sexual intercourse with her. i am not ashamed of this.
i've written songs that defy religious purpose. hell, i'm proud of them. i've written poetry about classless societies, sex, drugs, alcohol, and music. i've written stories about a fictious version of myself, as well as friends. do these friends know that i have used their likenesses? fuck no.
i've been called arrogant, self centered, self indulged, an asshole, a drunk, and on occasion, when someone didn't know any better, full of shit. i ramble on and on with the best of them. however, i am for the most part a self made man. i rather enjoy my constant search for, well, me. i dunno who i am. i dunno what i want. well okay, lets not go that far, i know WHAT i want, i know WHO i want, but what i don't know is who i am going to be...
i confess. i have lived a strange life. yes, filled with many last minute coinsidences. i let life happen to me, and take it everyday at a time. i like it that way. hell i love it fast paced, and i enjoy concrete, glass, and steel. i am big city guy, i MUST be surrounded by a minimum of a million people in order to not have an anxiety attack. i need my buildings to be taller then 2 storeys, and i like my cars to be of the German, Italian, British, or Japanese sports variety. i like the world to be 24/7 where i can get a coffee at 3am at some dive of an all nite diner. i love the fact that Kinko's is open 24 hours a day for my graphic artistical convienence. it amazes me. i have lived in or near a major city for the best part of my life (save a 3 year stint in a small town which shall remain nameless..)
my fave bands are usually fronted by men who have commit suicide. lets look at it, INXS, Joy Division, Nirvana, The Doors...need i go on? the music sounds just SO much better when the lead singer took his own life...yeah...thats it...i think its more that Hutchence could sing, and he went dark. Curtis was just dark period...his voice is the most haunting thing ever. Cobain was a genius who took too much heroin...and well, Morrison...yeah...
i have trashed religions. many of them, actually most of them. for, perhaps it is because of my lack of understanding how one can put their whole faith and trust in a higher being that does not show itself in any physical way that science cannot dispel, and not in a fellow human being. i have gone as far as saying that the holocaust was, perhaps, a good idea. i mean really, how long can a group of people go on and say they are persecuted, and yet still persecute others (IE: Israel...)?
these are my sins. i have never said i was with out them. however, it is you who is making it sound as though you are without...so i suppose that's why when you said what you said, i considered it casting the first stone? but of course that would make you perfect, which, you are not. in my opinion, you are disrespectful of those around you. you neglect other peoples feelings for your own. and, although i promote you're freedom of speech, i wish that sometimes you would just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! but of course, that would mean that you would have to do something for some one else, how christian would that be of you?
so, since you now know who you are, i say to you, my life is an open book, i was prepared to tell it. however, you went and f***ed that up with your own words. i honestly hope i never see you again. i hope that you don't do as you say you will, because honestly, it'll just bite your ass and crush your soul harder then it will mine. its now your fault i use the word hate. next to my own family (which by the way would respect each others happiness), you are one of the worst people i have ever met...it took me an hour to write this, but it will take a lifetime for me to forgive you